[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
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Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Any other person cuts their thumb: “Expletive!”
Me, a Catholic person: “Expletive! To thee do we cry, poor banished children of Eve!”
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
Husband: Where are Girl Scout cookies?
Me: We were robbed.
Husband: They only took the cookies?
Me: Well, that and the vase your mom gave us for the holidays. Weird, right?
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
“I could probz bench press, like, five of you”-me talking to a cool squirrel I just met
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
#catsoftwitter
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Follow me for more fitness tips.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
I’m sorry your husband gets out his guitar when guests are over and keeps playing the first few chords of Wild Thing
Not knowing the words to a song sure as hell doesn’t stop me from making random noises in an attempt to sing along anyway
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.