*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
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[in doomsday bunker]
wife: we’re out of food
me: we’ll have to eat one of us to survive
chicken: yes but who?
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
love how during intense moments in space-themed movies they’ll show the dashboard panels, as though you’ll be like ah. ah i see the issue
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Whenever I hear snapping, I always fear I’m walking into a battle between rival gangs from West Side Story.
Prevent future fights among your children by not owning any nice things.
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
In 8th grade, I had a crush on a boy in my class. At some point, I found out my family was moving & I was gonna switch schools. So, I wrote him a very long love letter. The day after I read it to him in front of my class, my parents decided I could keep going to the same school.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
my first dose meeting my second
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.
POV: you compliment me and I don’t know how to act.
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
9yo: Mom, what did you do before you had kids?
Me: Slept in.
what’s wrong son?
that kid said he’s cooler than me
what? impossible. what kid?
*in my head im like don’t be the kid with pegs on his bike*
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly