@Cornjerker78

Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:

I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.

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@desi_princess

I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?

@iscoff

It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up

@3sunzzz

[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

@FrenulumBreve

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

@Book_Krazy

Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently

@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@donnie_fairburn

Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill

@Rschooley

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.