Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
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Halloween. A kid comes to the door with a sign”I love ceilings”
What are you?
A Ceiling Fan.
Gave him all the candy.
Wife: pick a Halloween movie to watch.
Me: Harry Potter.
Wife: that’s not a Halloween movie.
Me: then why does it have witches?
Wife:
Me: and spells.
Wife:
Me: and flying broomsticks.
Wife: pick another movie.
Me: fine. Harry Potter number 2.
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
Why hasn’t there been a blind dating show where they just try each others cooking first?
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
North West: Daddy what were you famous for?
Kanye: Rapping, Son. North West: mommy what
were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
I let a girl go through my phone recently so a colonoscopy really doesn’t scare me anymore
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.
I don’t always have time to call people back but when I do I don’t.
I wrote a movie about Edward Scissorhands serving a court summons to Dwayne Johnson.
It’s titled “Rock Papered by Scissors”
a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a genocide of seagulls, a holocaust of toucans
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Netflix: Are you still there?
Me: <in bed, potato chips in hair, dirty pajamas, no makeup, cats surrounding me> Do you really have to ask?
im writing this yelp review on behalf of my brother. im sure he would have agreed that kenneth is one of the worst parachute instructors we’ve seen. furthermore..
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I think this should do it.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
summer: wait its midnight alredy?? the sun hasn’t even set yet!! lol
winter: HOW. HOW IS IT NOT EVEN 8PM. THE SUN SET LIKE 5 DAYS AGO
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Cashier’s playing dumb cause I said “venti” at a non-Starbucks. You know what I mean, dude, just point me to the biggest dildo you guys got.