I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Gecko at McDonald’s crawl through:
I’ll have A Bug Mac, flies & a small snake.
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It’s fun to chant “Bloody Mary” three times into your car’s side mirror while driving at night and watch her jog to keep up
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]
Most of my tweets have been coming from a very dark place lately. That’s what happens when you forget to pay your electric bill
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.