Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.
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*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
My doctor says I should try running with scissors.
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight, come on over.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Bourgeoisie
ME: Really? W o w
JUDGE: *annoyed* Sir, the word is Bourgeoisie
ME:*clears throat* Eff – U – See – Kay – U
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Dove: ..then he called me a fat pigeon! [sobs]
Prince: “There there, cry it out” [starts recording]
Um, you are a therapist, right?
“Sure”
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
I tried hypnotizing my wife but *cluck* I think *cluck cluck* something went wrong is that *cluck cluck cluck* corn on the ground?
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
[soldier dying in my arms]
Soldier: tell my wife-
Me: dude I’m already giving messages for 3 guys. Just wait until she dies & tell yourself
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.