@Contwixt

Geese are too effing smart for my comfort level and frankly I don’t know why more folks aren’t alarmed. Geese are like cats only they can honk; oh and also they can fly. And they can fly in a spaceship formation; with collective grace that puts even the best Zumba class to shame.

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@E_lok44

If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.

@bornmiserable

HIM: we’re under the mistletoe
HER: oh yes
HIM: you know what that means
HER: yup
[both draw swords and begin to duel]

@stuartfiddle

me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?

coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night

@nayele18maybe

My prescription isn’t ready, so three toddlers at this pharmacy just learned the F word.

@ka_waltz

my computer is organized exactly like my brain, which is to say that I just found a photo of a baby weasel alone in a folder called “good”

@AimeeHelene1

At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.

It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.

@CulturedRuffian

I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.

@KalvinMacleod

As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.

@KDonhoops

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”