Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
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Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
[on date]
ME: I’ll have a steak
WAITER: How would u like that cooked?
ME: Uhh with fire or some kind of heat? *rolls eyes at date*
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
A couple approaches on the beach. He calls her “Allison.” I write, “Marry me, Allison,” in the sand and hide. And now we wait.
respect
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
[inventing the boomerang]
OH SHIT, IT’S BACK
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
[Inventor of cage-free eggs] Why are these eggs in these cages
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
The doctor told me that at some point I’ll have to stop partying and I said I’d cross that bridge and find a new doctor.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Looking for a man who wants to wear matching Cheetos pants with me. No weirdos.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
they need shows for grownups like they have for kids that teach us lessons like how to share and how to deal with our feelings and maybe throw in some math too