Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
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SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
We’ve come full circle
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
Little Mermaid remake: Ariel falls in love after seeing the tender way Prince Eric holds a fish in his Tinder profile.
when isolation is over, we should all be allowed to commit one (1) crime since we’ve technically already served the time for it
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
-currently looking for an adult
-Realizing I’m an adult
-Now looking for an older adult
-Someone successful at adulting
-An adultier adult
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
When you have 7 guests and a set of 6 mugs how do you decide which one to kill to maintain uniformity?
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.
Those deemed suspicious, are mine.
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
Me: I can’t come to work, I’m snowed in.
Boss: It hasn’t snowed.
M: It did where I live.
B: We live in the same town.
M: Isolated storm.
B: I live across the street from you.
M: Extremely isolated storm.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
What fresh Hell is this?!?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
An amish party in the desert called churning man.