Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
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Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
The awkward moment when you say, “I love you,” then the pizza delivery guy says, “That’ll be $12.46, please.”
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
did I “kill a plant” or did the plant not have what it takes to thrive in this fast-paced environment
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
PLOT TWIST:
Dogs have a tendency to bark just to hear themselves bark. Reminds me of some people I know.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
*Showing me a picture of your baby*
Me: Is that a dog toy in the background? What kind of dog do you have? What’s your dog’s name?
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
“What are you doing, Merlin?”
“He said he was cold.”
ME: you look great tonight
DATE: the average woman eats six to nine pounds of lipstick over her lifetime
ME: [nervously flipping thru menu] i don’t think they serve that here
It should be: “COVID-19 declared a pandemic by WHOM.”
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Eating fried cheese is the closest i’ve gotten to doing heroin.
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die