Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
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If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
My dog is a firm believer in teamwork.
I stepped away to use the restroom for a minute and when I came back he had finished my nachos for me.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
had to make it
*do a little dance*
*make a little love*
*get kicked out of this funeral*
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
ME: I was just stung by a WASP.
FRIEND: Are you hurt?!
ME: Yes, she said my hair is dry, and my handbag should be on a hobo’s stick.
“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”
the Itsy Bitsy Spider is my favourite kids song about absolutely refusing to learn your lesson
It’s your choice. Instead of resting bitch face you could call it irritable scowl syndrome.
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
I’m gonna wait for my aunt to finish her coffee before I tell her I kinda backed into her car just a little this morning. Seems like the right thing to do.
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.