[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
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Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
Apparently I’m not giving my toddler enough food because she’s trying to eat our fridge magnets
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
“It’s ok. This is normal for her.”
– How my friends explain me to others.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
ad for jk rowling’s fantastic beasts and where to find them:
wat if harry poter was pokemon
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?
Him: It’s five dollars.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
[turns to buddy just before bar fight]
“I’ll take the guy with the glasses, you take the guy dressed as a ninja”
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
Nutella. A delicious mix of nuts and umbrellas.
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.