GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
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Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
WIFE: We want to renew our vows.
ME: *hands priest paper*
WIFE: We wrote them ourselves.
PRIEST: *pointing* What’s this word?
WIFE: “Combatant.”
[job interview]
“So where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Getting asked this question somewhere else
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
**Blood-curdling scream**
Dinner’s ready.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
Looking at hotels, one review says there are “drug attics” here.
Well what a fun little storage idea!
Booked it
“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
*At the ouija board*
Me: Err… mom? Can’t we just…
Ouija board: A-N-D A-N-O-T-H-E-R T-H-I-N-G
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
If the future is now, then how come the pizza I’m gonna order later isn’t here yet?
the Monday after daylight savings
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
“two heads are better than one” – guy who collects heads
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
#wecanlandonacometbutwecant let a comet land on us. – Yakov Smirnoff
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”