Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
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Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
#WhenIWas12IThought very little 🙌
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
Hey man be careful taking a nap. One of my buddies had a dream where he was getting chased around
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Everyone is always talking about raising money for dogs without homes but what about the ones who don’t have cars
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
If lemonade is made from lemons, what’s a colonnade made from?
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I’m looking forward to being the last two people on Twitter.
My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.
Also I’m sorta crunchy.
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
Secret hideout busted…🐈🐾😂😂
Yeah, well, I didn’t exactly want to be late for work today either but it’s not like hot wings can shave themselves out of chest hair.
1968: One day, computers will improve every area of our lives.
2018: Watching a rapper take a bath with a hairless cat.
Two pyromaniacs meeting on match. com is the same as fisherman meeting on plenty of fish.
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
[Museum]
Guard: Ma’am, please don’t touch the statue.
Me: But I’m almost finished painting her toenails.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.