Generation gap…
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[Lou Bega voice]
One, two, three four
[Proclaimers voice]
five hundred miles
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.-Lies I’ve told to cops.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
COP: what do you think made Gordon Ramsay assault you?
ME: well, he said he was going to show me how to make a three bean chili and when i said a chili should have like, at least thirty beans in it, that’s when he threw the spatula at me
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
I’ve never been camping but one time I ordered something from Amazon that wasn’t Prime Eligible.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
Fantasia gave me unrealistic expectations of how much cleaning a bucket and mop would be motivated to do.
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
*plot gets twisted.
plot: Ouch!
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess
Droid: What about the other baby?
Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
There comes a point in every parent’s life when they notice the soap and shampoo they bought for their kids isn’t getting used up nearly as quickly as it should be.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?