Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
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You should just be thankful for all the things I don’t say.
I wonder where the inventor of the drawing board took their failed ideas back to.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
what everyone’s tl looks like now that we can retweet ourselves
Thanks to technology, family members from across the country can still have meetings to discuss what a disappointment you are.
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
BOSS: Why aren’t these documents attached together?
ME: Sorry I couldn’t find my…[suddenly forgets the word stapler]…desk crocodile
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
IMPROV COACH: you can’t just decide last minute to skip practice
ME: I really don’t know what you want from me
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
The new Samsung phone shares every picture you take with all your friends as soon as you take it.
Good idea. What could possibly go wrong?
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.