GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
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THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
A lollipop is like a normal lipop but it laughs a lot.
Sorry.
There’s no time capsule quite like the pocket of a coat that’s been in the closet for a year.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
What idiot called it jousting and not poker knight?
[in a crowded elevator]
ME: *loudly* THE ELEVATOR WAS INVENTED BY DARTH’S LESSER KNOWN SISTER, ELE.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Bohemian Rhapsody should be an official unit of measure.
“I can shower in 1 Bohemian Rhapsody.”
“Ran a 5K in under 6 Bohemian Rhapsodies.”
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question