Genie: and for your last wish?
Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.
*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*
Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!
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Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I never learned how to flirt, I just roast the hell out of guys until they stop talking to me
Waitress: Here’s the check. You wanna box for that?
Customer: The rest of this sandwich? You want to fight over it here in the diner?
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
I got a car wash 5 days ago and it hasn’t rained yet. Who broke the weather?
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
The booster protects against what, now?
Therapist: what’s your support system like?
Me: about $150 an oz
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
I never needed anything more in my life
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
*has no idea what a book even is*
[Observation Ward]
Me: *thinking aloud* Santa Monica implies the existence of Santa Chandler, Santa Ross-
Doctor 1: Take his phone
Doctor 2: I did that three hours ago
Doctor 1: Ugh… give it back maybe?
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese