*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
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looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Virtual school adventures
6: I just need a break Dad, I can’t sit here in front of a screen all day.
Me: Okay go ahead and take a break.
6: Can i watch something on my tablet?
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
Him: Productive conference call?
Me: Hell yeah. I painted my toes, posted 6 pictures on IG, and got in one solid nap.
Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
If the doctor is running over 30 minutes late, they should have to tell you what was going on with their last patient that took so long. I don’t mind waiting, but give me the goss
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
Marries a mime. Lives quietly ever after.
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Hey, did you know that if you leave clean clothes on the floor for long enough they become dirty clothes?
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My son was loudly barking like a dog in the other room and I told my husband to go take care of it and now there’s 2 people loudly barking like dogs.
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster
I only eat vegetarians.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.