genie: are you sure?
me: just do it
*my dog winks and gives me a fist bump for the third time*
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Them: sir there’s no food allowed in here.
Me: this is my service burrito.
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
If I hug you longer than 3 seconds, I’m picking your pockets.
18: That dress makes you look like Minnie Mouse.
Me: Thank you.
That’s Saturday nights plans ruined
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[commercial for boiling water]
*enemies at castle wall are splashed with cool refreshing water*
castle guard: there must be a better way!
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
I’m kind of a big deal on the semi-pro yoyo circuit.
[both kids on my lap]
Me:This is so nice
5yo:Mommy your breath stinks.
M: I carried you for 9 months!
4yo:Why didn’t you use a stroller?
The mail slot on your door is so you can tell the mailman you love him
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]
witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
[Bowling Alley]
“I’m sorry sir, but we don’t have any bowling shoes left”
*gestures towards a happy family of centipedes bowling*
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.