Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
Please, please, please… invite me to your party. I promise I won’t show up.
[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Wolverine: [sharpening his claws] so what’s your super power?
Me: I am good at rearranging letters to form new words
Wine lover: [taking a sip of merlot] I’ll drink to that
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
CASHIER: okay, so your total comes to $13.82, have a nice day
ME (have spoken English literally every day of my entire life):
THANK
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
A hangover so good you crawl out of the bedroom naked and sleep for 6 more hours on the kitchen floor.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
HUNDRED DOLLAR IDEA:
Go to an ATM.
Withdraw $100.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.