Genie: I grant you three wishes.
Bob: I want to be rich.
Genie: Granted.
Rich: I want a lot of money.
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*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
“Well maybe they shouldn’t make soap out of animal fat if they didn’t want people to eat it!” I yell from the emergency room, mouth foaming
Her: Well, I don’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth…
Me: Then don’t floss in a mirror.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
Kinda crazy how the entire country can watch a hurricane destroy a city in real time now. 100 years ago it was just like, “When was the last time anyone heard from Galveston? Months? Should we send someone to check on that?”
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
• You’re born.
• You grow up.
• You believe in Santa.
• You stop believing in Santa.
• You look like Santa.
• You are Santa.
• You die.
Hear me out Pixar: 2 Rat 2 Touille
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
Ferrari squats
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
During my annual gynecologist visit:
Gyno: I’m going to stick this in. You might feel a little pressure.
Me: *giggling* That’s what he said.
Gyno:
Nurse:
Me: Oh shit! Did I say that out loud?
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭