Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
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Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.
Me: yes, I’ll take the free burger
Cashier: sir, you have to buy one to get one
Me: I only want one though, the free one
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Bacon is the duct tape in the culinary world. It fixes almost any dish.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
Eating some turkey? Put gravy on it. Mashed potatoes dry? Try gravy. Headache? Shot of gravy. Depressed? More gravy. Lost a limb? Gra
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
me when the borders lift
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
wife: can you check something on my phone for me
me: sure what’s your passcode
w: our anniversary
m:
w: ANNIVERSARY
m: [sweating profusely]