Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
Guns don’t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Called in sick to work one day. Saw one of my students at the beach. We nodded as we both realized we were skipping my class. #IGotCaught
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Cats don’t come with instructions, so how is anyone supposed to know you can’t put them in the washing machine.
The best part of marriage is faking a deep sleep so he’ll let the dog out in the morning.
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.
friends’ older kid: “did you know today is the 4th of July? And that’s why there’s fireworks?”
My confident 3-year-old, who absolutely 100% does not know this: “YEP!”hell yeah that’s right kid you’re ready for twitter
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
There is no “we” in pizza
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth