@AsgardianRose After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
@GABBYdaAngSaya Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
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@AsgardianRose 
@pixelatedboat Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
@TheAlexNevil *looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
@LuvPug I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
@XplodingUnicorn Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
@SarcasticSadOne Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
@SardonicTart There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
@withanewname “SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”
—
“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”
—
“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”
—
Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”
@shadyarthur 
@preawsaurus it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.