@GABBYdaAngSaya

Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you

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@AsgardianRose

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

@pixelatedboat

Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man

@TheAlexNevil

*looks gift horse in the mouth

Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.

@LuvPug

I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”

Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”

Me: “I’ll be right back.”

@SarcasticSadOne

Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.

@SardonicTart

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

@withanewname

“SIRI, WHERE’S THE REMOTE?”

“SIRI, BRING ME A BEER!”

“SIRI, WHERE’S MY DINNER?”

Wife: “She’s either deaf, or had sex with you too.”

@preawsaurus

it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.