Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
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We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
[11 has been working on his homework for 1 hour]
11: Guess what, there are only 3 people in the U.S. with my exact name.
Me: What class is this for?
11: I haven’t started yet.
God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Star Wars (1977, PG) a group of terrorists enlist the aid of a drug smuggler and a religious fanatic to bomb the seat of governmental power.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Exterminators: The only profession in which you put yourself out of business by being really good at your job.
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
Found the job I’m suited for
I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
[Murderer in the middle of murdering me]
Can you put your phone down for 2 seconds while I’m murdering you I mean really
I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.