genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
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Life with a cat in one tweet
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
They’re on their honeymoon
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Practicing safe sax
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
i hate workimg at the lightbulb factory!! evrey day i hav to thimk of good ideas so they can harvest the lightbulbs that apear abov my head
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
My 7yo lost his lunchbox, but he did bring home a giant leaf, so I guess we’ll just wrap up his lunch in that from now on.
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
#1: Too many people still answer the phone like they don’t know who’s calling.
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
wondering if our openly racist uncles talk about their non racist uncles like “u shoulda heard the non-racist shit coming out of his mouth”
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.