[Genie] Last wish idiot, impress me.
[Me] I want Morgan Freeman to narrate my eulogy [drops dead]
[Morgan Freeman] He was an idiot.
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Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
Is everything ok, babe? You haven’t even touched your eppe
“Are you a secret shopper? You have to admit it if I ask. It’s the law.”
“That’s only for narcs.”
“That sounds like something a secret shopper would say…”
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
The difference between the kids table and the adults table during holiday dinners is that there is much more screaming, crying, and arguing at the adults table.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
When a client says “I know people who can charge less”. Smile & respond “I know clients who can pay more.
Life is fair, people are not.
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Not only are used coffee grounds a great fertilizer, when shaped and baked they make excellent biscuits for that cunt of a dog next door.
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
I’m donating my body to science. I’m getting sick of it taking up space in the freezer.
by age 30 you really should just be in a completely unsustainable number of different group chats that all comprise of different combinations of the same people
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.