Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
You Might Also Like
[looking for our lost son in the mall]
ME: we should split up and find him
WIFE: *serves me with divorce papers*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
“boys are only interested in one thing” yes and that thing is artisanal olive oils
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Me: “Let’s go. I’ve got the kid buckled up.”
Wife: “You mean ‘kids,’ plural, right?”
Me: “I’ll be right back.”
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Cows are just acoustic lawnmowers.
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
[From Basement]: *scary murdery noise*
Me: oh shit
Me: *makes slightly more scary more murdery noise*
[From Basement]: Oh shit
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon