genie: please no
millipede: more legs
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ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
The three genders.
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Thought it would be romantic to serenade this girl with some Elvis.
I swear that’s the last time I sing “You ain’t nothin but a hound dog”
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
and now a text from my mom:
are you okay??? you didn’t like my fb post about making jam, so I got worried
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
When you marry a fungi, you have to give up certain video games, pizza toppings and recreational drugs out of respect.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Agent: I have a script for you.
Daniel Radcliffe: Is it weird?
Agent: Yes.
Radcliffe: I’ll do it.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah
I’m about to risk it all
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Don’t bother putting your hand over my mouth to shut me up, I will lick you.
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
If I was a rapping novelist, my stage name would be Warren Piece.
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called