genie: please no
millipede: more legs
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Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
They say sex is the best for of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is gonna do much for your beer belly.
Movie Executive: We love the script but what are we gonna call it?
Writer: *monkey in disguise* Monkey
Exec: I dont think that works
Writer: Se-seven Monkeys
Exec: The number of monkeys isn’t really the prob-
Writer: TWELVE monkeys
Exec: Now.. hold on a second.