Genie: *rubbing temples* you could have just asked for $300 in one wish
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Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Whenever someone jokingly replies, “Blocked,” I laugh and laugh and then go check.
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
All I’m saying is that gay dudes butt blast each other for a reason. The asshole has the most sense receptors per area of any body part.
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
Hey guys, can so cleanse your timeline with a doggy trying to secretly steal its chewy from its sibling?
Thank you.
Credit: Imgur/bonjouretatsunis1776
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Self-Congratulatory Civility Between Disagreeing Internet Commenters Honestly Worse Than Fight Would Have Been
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.