genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
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*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
All summer long: Kids are healthy.
5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola
When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.
When bears are around, try to look skinny and they won’t eat you.
If that doesn’t work, kick your buddy in the nuts and RUN!
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
[Starts to open package of cheese]
[Hears kids running towards kitchen]
[Escapes with cheese to car]
[Drives 5 hours to hotel]
[Checks into room]
[Starts to open package of cheese]
My dog: HEEEY CHEEESE!!!
My Transformers name would be Past Her Prime.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
My 3-year-old said, “Daddy, you’re big & strong like a garbage truck.” Thanks, I think. I often view of myself as a mobile trash receptacle.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Boss: “Do you know why I called you in here?”
Me: “To see if I can read minds?”