GENIE: the rule is u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish to amend the rule so u can
GENIE: son of a
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I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Me: and this is my house
Friend: what’s upstairs
Me: stairs don’t talk
I was musing to someone about the irony of being a surgeon and having a phobia about touching raw meat (especially chicken). I don’t have a problem touching raw human though.
Anyway, thats how I learned people don’t like being referred to as raw human.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
[holding a séance]
“Dear spirit world, we respectfully ask that you honor us with your presence this evening; which cryptocurrency should we invest in?”
FRIEND FROM COLLEGE: After I sold my tech company, I moved to France where I met my wife, Juliette. We have three beautiful kids and run a bed & breakfast in Paris.
ME: Remember how I used to like creamy peanut butter? Now I like chunky
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
took my friend to the museum of natural history and she was like this is awesome it’s like being at the zoo but you don’t feel bad the whole time
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Any dogs trainers on this app? How do I train my dog to make margaritas?
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Society: Let’s give mothers their very own day.
Me: What about sharks?
Society: We’ll give them a whole week.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Why do I keep seeing ads for yaks on my screen when I bought mine months ago?
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My boss just set a meeting for July 2024 and a little piece of me died.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
What the hell happened in there??
[Death row]
Him: Last meal request please.
Me: Wendy’s cheeseburger, fries and Coke.
Him: That stuff kills you know.
Me: Fine. Diet Coke.
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.
Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?
Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”