Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
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I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
I’m a creative speller thus no typos, just art.
My soon to be 13-year-old has been wearing my crocs… how do you say “stay in your lane” in Thirteenese?
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
No one makes fun of your cargo pants when you start pulling little bottles of liquor out of them at the PTA meeting
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
[1st date]
Him: Wanna come back to my place for a bit?Me: I thought you’d never ask
Him: Oh, really? *winks*
Me: Yes, I need somewhere less crowded to summon the Dark Lord
“Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?”
Well, Katy, I’m thin, weak, white, and I hurt the environment so I guess that’s a pretty apt simile
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
The claw machine proves that it only costs $1 to get mad
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
I used to eat a lot of Belgian chocolate, but I gave it up for Lindt.
This feels like a totally reasonable reaction
#comics #webcomic #snowman #frosty
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.