genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
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DATE: I’m a historian, I love the mediaeval era
ME: [trying to impress her] *dies at 28*
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
“I’ll vote for a Democrat when hell freezes over.” — Texas Republicans
“Deal.” — Mother Nature
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
how much my patient talks about their healthy choices
▶ 🔘──────── 00:05how much my patient talks about their single daughter
▶ 🔘──────── 74:36:15
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
“Operator, run this licence plate please
Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I have a stomach ache and my husband is mad at me for eating the peanut butter out of the mouse traps.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
You brought me roses? I can’t eat this. Get out.
I go through the 7 stages of grief just to get to work everyday.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead