GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
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[spelling bee]
Judge- Your word is dirty.
Me-*whispering seductively* How dirty is it?
Judge- What? No! Your word is dir…
Me- Does it want to be spanked?
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding
Me: How’s it look?
Doc: You have 2 months to live
M: WHAT?? You’re my dentist!
D: Then you don’t need to come back for a cleaning in 6 mos
You think if you die with a yeast infection, you’ll rise from the dead?
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
IT guy: what seems to be the problem
me: hi uhh my computer won’t turn off and back on again
IT guy: [covers phone] what do I do
Friend: I’m surprised to see you eating a salad.
Me: *empties bag of chocolate chips over it*
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
Frankly auto correct,I’m getting tired of your shirt.
It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you