GENIE: u have 5 wishes
ME: don’t u mean 3 wishes?
GENIE: usually but it seems like u have a lot of problems
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The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Every Law & Order episode should end with:
“Objection your honor, the prosecution’s face is way too symmetrical!”
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
What idiot called it an engagement ring instead of a Kneel Diamond?
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
Packing my lunch and including two fruits so they have each other to keep company when I don’t eat either of them
Sorry I rubbed your belly for good luck, wealth and prosperity.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
My husband texted to let me know he unloaded the dishwasher.
Like, ok guy. If I texted every task I did, it’d be a novel. Settle down.
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!