genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
You Might Also Like
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
Wife: “I’m tired of you endlessly misquoting Arnold Schwarzenegger films. I’m leaving you.”
Me: “You’ll be back.”
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Why does this look like one of the ingredients is painkillers
Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.