Genie: what are your three wishes
Me: make me a waffle
[suddenly I am a waffle]
Me: no, like a waffle to eat
[in a flash waffle me is on a plate]
Me: no! for me to eat
[a much larger me sits down in front of the plate]
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I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
marriage counselor: pretend you both just started talking.
me: goo goo gah gah
marriage counselor: no.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Wanna feel old? Subtract your birth year from the current year.
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
*opens “Job Interview Handbook”
*reads “dress for the job you want”
*goes to computer
*opens browser
*Googles “ladies’ bicycle seat costume”
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Raid™: For when you don’t want to kill ants, but want to make them late for something.
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My teacher was pointing a ruler at me an said, “There’s an idiot at the end of this ruler!” I got detention after asking which end.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop
Went out to eat at a new place last night
Saw a couple friends I hadn’t seen in so long, I almost didn’t recognize them.
Slapped one guy on the back shook the other one’s hand and realized the reason I barely recognized them is because it wasn’t them.
My wife is still laughing