Genie: what is your first wish
Joe: i want to be rich
Genie: granted. and what is your second wish
Rich: i want lots of money
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I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
[spider in house]
me: oh hey buddy, you lost? let me take you outside[ants in house]
me, wildly shooting bug spray: I AM BECOME DEATH, THE DESTROYER OF WORLDS!!
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
I’m helping the sharks celebrate their big week by throwing cats into the ocean.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
My daughter hates bread crust so today I put a little extra effort in my sandwich making and I cut off the crust for her because I love her. She’s so sweet and showed her gratitude by eating around her sandwich like it had a crust. I just can’t win at this game.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
“Sandwich artist” is a bit pretentious sir when you’re actually a subcontractor.
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
To Doo List:
1. Cockadoodle
2. Yabba Dabba
3. Voo
4. Sea
5. Didgeri
You can just start calling yourself an olympic hopeful. You don’t have to fill out a form or anything.
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.