Genie: what is your first wish
Me: can you fold this fitted sheet please
G: I’m a genie not a witch
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[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Do you remember when the most annoying thing on the Internet was a dancing baby?
Yeah, good times
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽
and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
You known you’ve been on twitter too long when autocorrect will not type ducks.
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?
I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Cat Burglar (noun)
: a burglar who is adept at entering and leaving the burglarized place without attracting notice
🐈⬛😂🖤
I bet the other causes of death are jealous of the number one cause
Can you imagine Wolverine falling asleep on Elm Street? Freddie visits, they hit it off and start to put together plans for a mobile turkey carving business
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
What if ISIS started claiming responsibility for nice things like when my mom says, “who emptied the dishwasher?!”
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.
Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.
Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.