genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
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If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
*sees someone drop their wallet*
*picks it up and runs after them*Excuse me! EXCUSE ME!
You… *catches breath* Your outfit is hideous
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
Friend: I’m about to appear in court.
Me: Best of luck! Kill it!!
Friend:…not exactly the best phrase to use in a medical negligence case.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I am thinking of watching a movie with my boyfriend. Can anyone recommend a good boyfriend?
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Twitter, 2016 (HT @iShami_ )
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
Telling a child to wipe his hands on the napkin 8 inches in front of him instead of his shirt is a great way to get rid of excess breath.