genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
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“To hell with it, thats good enough.” – every person after theyve ever tried to iron a shirt. Ever.
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
When my husband and I first moved in together we lived in a shady part of town. My dad told us we would be probably get robbed. The worst thing that happened was our neighbors having sex directly across from our balcony with the window and curtains open.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
You people that disappear on weekends like you have something better to do, you’re not fooling anyone, we all know you’ve doing Community Service.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
My neighbor hates when I go over to borrow a cup of money.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
Dating – Every Kiss begins with Kay.
Marriage – Every conversation ends with K.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
I hate when someone is on the machine right next to me at the gym and I feel pressured to share these cheese fries.
in the 90s the internet used to scream at you when you tried to enter and they should never have taken that warning away
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”