Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
You Might Also Like
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
*At demonstration
*grabs megaphone – stands on car
‘DOES ANYONE HAVE AN iPHONE CHARGER?’
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Yes opposites attract, my husband dunks basketballs and I dunk donuts.
Gordon Ramsay: Can you explain to me why this kitchen is so ghastly? Do you ever even clean?!
Manager: I have an elite cleaning team working tirelessly in this restaurant.
Cat on Roomba: *rolls by making unbroken eye contact*
M: …ignore that.
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Him: you have 3 Starbucks coffees in your car?
Me: one’s for you
Him: and the other one?
Me: *remembering that I wanted to try a new flavor but also got my usual in case I don’t like it* I’m having an affair.
How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Nooooooooo!!!
🌴🌿🪸🍀🌳
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
Walking the dog when we pass a mom and kid taking pics. Naturally my dog stops and poses & wont move. I tug. She stays. They laugh. Finally I say “I’m sorry, you have your phones out so she thinks you want a pic of her”. They pretend to snap a pic. Dog immediately walks on🤣🙄😭
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
Don’t You (Forget About Me) is my favorite song about laundry I left in the washing machine.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
M: There was yelling and pushing! I’ve never been trapped in a mob! I was so scared!
H: It was a 3rd grade field trip.
M: I BROKE A NAIL!
KID IN THE BACKSEAT: how much longer do we have to drive?
BON JOVI DAD: oh…we’re halfway there…