genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
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I forgot my cell phone at home and had to write my grocery list on paper. I shopped with it in my hand like some kind of a carrier pigeon.
normalize asking bartenders if they’ve “heard any rumours lately” so they can give you a fun little side quest
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Me: I’m on the moth diet
Her: that’s not what ‘eating light’ means
Me: *coughing up moths* what?
no!! no!!!!!!
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
Does my family really expect me to express my love for them on Valentine’s Day when we’ve been trapped together for months??
No, YOU just googled “emoji meanings” to make sure you’ve been using the correct ones….
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.
Me: That was fun! Fist me!
Him: What?!
Me: Fist me!! *holds out knuckles*
Him: …..
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
I thought the noise my husband’s stomach was making was never going to end last night until I realised it was a motorbike outside
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.