Genie: You get 3 wishes
Me: I wish you were terrible at math
Genie: You only have 14 more wishes
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Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
“Is it in yet???”
-My ATM, mocking me.
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
“It’s your father; he’s been hitting the sauce pretty hard.”
*My father stumbles in with hollandaise in a highball glass* wassssssup!
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
There is so much beef on Twitter it’s impossible to stay vegan
I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Disappointed a milkshake is just called a milkshake in the UK. I would’ve guessed it was something real perverted like a curd sweetie or lovie cream
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
“Aww. You guys… And it’s not even my real birthday! #flattered .”
-Jesus
Clark Kent “I have a confession”
Lois Lane “what is it?”
*Clark removes his glasses*
Lois “Is it a bird?”
Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”
If I ever go to prison I will immediately go up to the biggest person and tickle them.
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
Beware of fowl play.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
She said we needed to talk and…
I said, “Yeah, I think we should break up, too.”
She said, “About where to eat.”
“Oh,” I said, “Pizza?”
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
A warlock cursed me to forever be standing in line behind people trying to remember the name of a movie, and I know exactly what movie it is
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
I told my kids I’d rather they “pull the plug” than let me live in a vegetative state dependent on machines.
So they hid my phone charger.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Advice tip for people: 1 stick hand in glue 2 stick hand in feather 3 now you are like bird. Impress your friend.
I believe this with my whole heart 💀🪦