genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
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Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My daughter thinks them being called joggers instead of sweatpants makes them worth $87.
Facebook: Nothing is private
Twitter: Everything is privates
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
Filmmaker: “I made a documentary.”
Netflix Exec: “Great. How much footage do you have?”
Filmmaker: “About 15 minutes.”
Netflix Exec: “Sold. We’ll release it as four 1-hour episodes.”
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Only cowards need to take bath salts to bite a stranger’s face
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Got thrown out of a funeral today for saying Bazinga during the eulogy. That’s OK; I can only pretend to be dead for so long.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other
dad: WAIT
me:
dad: don’t forget to take a jacket
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
Mom asked me what I was drinking the first time I got drunk and I said “breast milk” and now she’s not talking to me.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.