Genie: you have 2.81 wishes.
Me: i thought it was three?
Genie: taxes.
You Might Also Like
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
Voting was a lot more fun in the days when you got 4 snapshots for a dollar in the booth.
Interior design 👌
Yesterday I fell, landed on my back, and could not roll over and get up. At the time I was wearing a Turtleneck Sweater.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
movies be like: here is a scientist – she is world renowned, she teaches at MIT, she is 24, she is stupid hot.
customer: I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese
me: sorry, we only take cash
manager: can I talk to you
hitman: *assassinates banana* oh wait this is my shopping list
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Wife: We named you after Grandma
Me: Yes that was my idea!
Grandma: They all laugh at me at school
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.