“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
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Marriage Counselor: Maybe you should change your responses to the things your wife says.
Me: Fine, I can do that.
*two days later*
Her: Do these jeans make me look fat?
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
As an imaginary forensic pathologist I’m pretty disappointed in how many full fingerprints I left on the scotch tape while wrapping presents.
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
I triple waxed for this?