@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

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@Lowenaffchen

if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it

@OllyiConic

ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there

@markedly

Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES

@MorganJ7

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.

@AimeeHelene1

*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*

@capnwatsisname

Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?

Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.

@bewgtweets

*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*

HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!