Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
This bar smells like my childhood.
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
I am laughing way too hard at this.
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Chairman: I’d like everyone to go over what they chose as their mascots.
Burger King: A king.
Wendy’s: A joyous child.
Mcdonald’s: I didn’t know we- um, a clown? Like a big nasty clown.
Chairman:
Mcdonald’s: A big nugget. Maybe purple. No wait how about a moist little thief?
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
There is a vast difference between an underdog and a loser, the first one has a real chance to win.
I relate to the guy in the first Saw movie because I too would rather cut off my own leg than have to do an escape room with a stranger
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
When she finally says yes and you realize that wasn’t a condom you were carrying around for the past 9 years