@stephenjmolloy

Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”

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@sucittaM

Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.

@AndyAsAdjective

[reading dinosaur book]

8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl

ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus

8: how did you ever get laid?

@daemonic3

You hang up

“No, you hang up”

You hang up first!

– Bats going to bed

@FrenulumBreve

PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?

@SladeWentworth

Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.

@sethmeyers

I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting

@Dawn_M_

WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.

@tastefactory

LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem

@topaz_kell

Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”

Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”

@carlyken

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep