@sucittaM Eventually we’ll all just have one app on our phones that electrocutes you when you stop looking at it.
@stephenjmolloy Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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@sucittaM 
@AndyAsAdjective [reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
@daemonic3 You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
@FrenulumBreve PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
@SladeWentworth Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
@sethmeyers I can’t personally remember an Olympics with better toilet reporting
@Dawn_M_ WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
@tastefactory LOVED ONES: When I die, I want you to throw a sad party where you all look at my dead body
US, FOR SOME REASON: Ok that’s no problem
@topaz_kell Me before socializing: “Don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy, don’t act crazy.”
Crazy: “Aaaaand ACTION!”
@carlyken Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep