@Lowenaffchen if swimming is really exercise then why dont fish have mega muscles. yeah i thought so. drain the pool so we can skateboard in it
@stephenjmolloy Genie: “You have 3 wishes.”
Ian: “I wish for everyone to be equal.”
Genie: “Okay. You have no wishes.”
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@Lowenaffchen 
@PAT_E_ROCK Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
@CulturedRuffian Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
@OllyiConic ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
@markedly Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
@MorganJ7 Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.
@AimeeHelene1 *husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
@capnwatsisname Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
@MasterOtenko May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
@bewgtweets *putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!