Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
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[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
[holding an acorn]
“do you still love me?”
Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”“Shaddup you!”
High School Reunions are bullshit. Why would I pay money to see people I’ve been deliberately avoiding for the past 20 years
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Shake what your momma gave you.
*shakes unemployed brother*
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Four men having a little fun at an airport 😀
“Don’t play with your food,” I say to a toddler eating crackers shaped like farm animals.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
Cop: how long will it take you to hack into the kidnapper’s computer?
Me: idk, two, three hours?
Cop: you have fifteen minutes
Me: then the kid’s gonna die dude
Cop:
Me: I mean you really should have called me sooner
I asked the Librarian if she had any books about Paranoia?
She leaned over and whispered “they’re right behind you … ”.
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
“Chicks dig a bad boy,” I say as I write ‘POOPIE’ in crayon all over her bedroom walls.
Wife: Please don’t tell any of your “jokes” at my work party. You’re gonna look like an idiot.
[later]
Me:
Him: Do that thing I hate
Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟦⬛🟦⬛🟦🟦
🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩
🟩⬛⬛⬛🟩
⬜🟩🟩🟩⬜
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
Les Miserables was pretty good but I wish I’d had some kind of warning that everyone in it would be so unhappy.
Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?