Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
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Twitter: Worchest… Worce… Woostishire, haha this word is so hard to spell, am I right?
Also Twitter: GIMME ALL THE SRIRACHA
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
Two ladybugs landed on me so I gay-married them, and now we’re being picketed by Westboro Baptist praying mantises.
I hate corporate lingo. Stuff like “core competency” or “design out the problem” or “I’m gonna need you to go ahead and do some work today”
“Curiosity killed the cat”, only it’s me looking up my symptoms on the internet.
My neighbor is louder than a spinning dryer drum full of loose change on a groaning container ship being ripped apart by rogue waves.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
President The Rock Obama
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
I bet the first person to see leaves grow back on trees after winter was like “well that’s a releaf”
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
So you brush your teeth with hair on a stick and brush your hair with teeth on a stick. Humans, you’ve made it.
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Any TV can be a TV dinner if you eat TVs
You’re supposed to be Norwegian! I angrily whisper at my freezing hands that won’t stop shaking so I can drink my coffee.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Damn he played himself
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,