GENIE: you have one wish. choose wisely
ME: i wish i was only 14 inches tall so that when i hold a knife it looks like i’m wielding a huge ass sword
GENIE: your wish is granted. why didn’t you just wish for a sword though
ME: oh yeah damn
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Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we’re a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
When someone at the gym asks if I’m “using that equipment”, I say “No, my love for it is real.” To date, I’m the only one to find that funny
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
If you’re ever having trouble coming up with creative names for your villains, just remember that Star Wars decided to name Darth Maul’s brother Savage Opress
That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
At bedtime I read my daughter a few of my favorite RTs, tuck her in & whisper, “This is why we don’t talk to strangers on the internet.”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
me: I want to spend a month on a desserted island
Wife: you mean deserted?
Me: no
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Rent really don’t make no sense like why is my apartment getting a raise every year who is doing the performance review.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
I dropped my phone, is everyone okay?!
It’s not so bad once you convince your kids that Santana is Christmas music.
Dear All,
During quarantine it’s normal to talk to your plants, walls & ceiling. Please contact us only if they respond.
Yours truly,
Psychiatrist
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
they should invent a type of situation that improves.