Genie: you have three wishes.
Me: i want a million wishes.
Genie: oh you’re one of those. Hey Jim! Come on out front! We’ve got one of those back again!
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Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
babe can i sit under your desk and distract you with my mouth while you work? *starts chewing electrical cords*
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
Wishing everyone peace, love, and happiness in the new year. And if you’ve ever done me wrong, a touch of chlamydia.
Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
Remember, don’t stoop to their level. If someone is murdering you, tell them their knife is cool and they’re good at stabbing. Be nice
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
[marketing meeting]
me: what campaign are we working on today?
boss: spaghetti-o’s
me: uh oh
boss: say that again
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”